I was in Emerge yesterday.It was not in my list of intention to go for Emerge 08 tho its like already a culture for me to go every year for 3nights. But seriously, it was a last minuite thing that i decided to go.
But i am glad that i did went there.
There is something special with the people over there and that is Passion for God and also live. Yeah, and it is also something that have gone missing from me for a very long time. I tried many ways to find back things that have gone missing from me but somehow i still just cant find it.
Whole evening at Emerge really kept me thinking where is my passion for God? Where's my passion to do the things that i really love? The more God convince me of his presence, the more i walk away from it.. there just so much i questions in my head that i am dying to ask and really want to express my feelings.
I remember that i used to express my feelings freely and there is always someone who will help me throught it either directly or indirectly but somehow now everythings change. I Just cant simply tell people the confusion i am going through and frustration i am in
And what more if it is a spritual one!
And yeah Emerge was awesome! but i only when for the last night. So, Pastor Kong didn preach yesterday but there is a few celebreties gave their testiomonies 2 are taiwaniese and 1 from Hong Kong.
The testimony from HK was from Fung Bo Bo. ( your parents might know who is that) she is really famous in her time and yeah, her testimony was really impressive yesterday. I was in tears when i heard her testimony.
Later after her testimony, there was an alter call for non christian and back-slidders. And yep, that the one for me, i knew it. Somehow, i know deep inside of me that i really wanted to go back to God. For me, its like really long time i didn go out for an alter call but i know yesterday somehow i need to step out from my sit and go out.. i always been running away from alter calls that i know it is meant for me.
And yeah again, i went out... I know God's presence is there and i could feel his tenderness of his love for me. I could feel God's hug and that moment was like all problems just flush away from me and all i really wanted was to reconcile back with God..
but somehow there is always confusion in me. I really dont know. Somehow i just know that if i continue the state i am in now i will never move on to the next level. What i meant was wheter i should just change church??
I just dont know. Sometimes i just dont feel that i just belong there anymore And i need a place that i feel belong there. My parents always says that," You know, now a days u dont really and regularly attend church anymore and you've change alot ever since u did that, what's becoming of you?'' are you even still a christian cus u are not acting like one''
That word really hurt me like a knife that cut my heart. I mean how could my parents be so not understanding? They didn even ask me or intent to find out the reason why and just jump into a conclusion.
Of course i do have a cg and i hav accountable partner but again i am not regular there and i am not even close to him or her and deffinately its stupid to tell that person my problems cus its not like he or she could be of any help.. So dont make assumtion that i always go CG with that someone dosent mean that we are buddies , i go CG with him or her is because i needed one and if i dont go CG and again they will relate me wit XYZ!!
And i dont have to explain why cus nobody will understand anyway. All they could just think of is because of XYZ.. well the answer is yes and no. Yes is when i am in my previous cell, i fell like home and belong. but now no! after most of them have move on, i dont feel belong there anyway.
Like yesterday in Emerge i saw some church people and they are like so darn unfriendly. Didnt even bother to say hi, when they saw you! Common, its not like we don know each other.. Or as if so. Maybe sometimes i really do think after you are not close there anymore, they will just act as if that they dont even know you! What a shame!
Sometimes i really think that a non christian is better than a christian.. and that is they are much more friendlier and real. and not being plastic aka just being nice because they have to!! I used to think that christians are the best people to be around with but i was totally wrong.. I remember someone i used to look up too also wrote in his blog tht Non christian are better than christians..
but not all of course just some!!
yeah, i you are wondering, I am really frustrated to bear with all this crap. I just cant be who i wanna b there. And if i continue on like this i know i will surely turn away from God.
It also like i dont want to invest in some thing that i know i will never reap a profit in it.It wil be totally waste of time.
And i dont want this to happen cus i am really tired of just forcing myself to do things i dont want to do and to be commited to a place that where my heart has left!
I am giving everything a try, hoping that things will finally change but somehow i just know that my heart dont belong there anymore. I know not all people there is like that but still most of them i know are partly or wholly like that.
Anyway, is just partly of the things i bloged.. theres just to much private stuff that it is inappropriate to blog here.. I never intended to hurt anybody's feeling indirectly and if i did then sorry..
It just part of expressing my feelings on blog and in blog you can write anyting you want.. but i dont mean to hurt anybody..
and thats the reason why i told you not to read this post!!!
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